Why Repentance Brings Hope to Marriage

David M. Tyler, PhD.

Over nearly three decades of pastoral ministry and many years of biblical counseling, I have seen husbands and wives reach a troubling place in their marriage. Both can explain, sometimes in considerable detail, what is wrong with the other person.

He knows what she needs to change. She knows what he needs to change. Both may have legitimate concerns. Yet they remain stuck because each is looking across the room rather than into his or her own heart. Jesus spoke directly to this tendency:

“Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?”
—Matthew 7:3, NASB

One of the most important changes in a troubled marriage occurs when a husband or wife stops asking, “When is my spouse going to change?” and begins asking, “Lord, what do You want to change in me?”

That is where repentance begins. And repentance brings hope because it turns our attention away from changing someone else and toward responding faithfully to God.

Repentance Is More Than Saying “I’m Sorry”

Most husbands and wives know how to say, “I’m sorry.” After an argument, a husband may apologize for losing his temper. A wife may regret something hurtful she said. Those apologies may be sincere, but an apology and biblical repentance are not necessarily the same thing. Paul wrote:

“For the sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation.”
—2 Corinthians 7:10, NASB

There is a sorrow that comes because our actions created unpleasant consequences. We regret the argument. We do not like the tension. We want our spouse to stop being upset with us.

Biblical repentance goes deeper. It recognizes that our sin is first an offense against God. Instead of merely asking, “How can we get past this?” repentance asks, “How have I sinned, and what does God require of me now?”

I have counseled people who apologized repeatedly but changed very little. The same anger returned. The same accusations returned. “I’m sorry” had become a way of ending the immediate conflict rather than dealing with the heart.

Genuine repentance produces a change of direction.

Repentance Stops Making Excuses

Blame has been part of human relationships since the fall. When God confronted Adam about his sin, Adam responded:

“The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me some of the fruit of the tree, and I ate.”
—Genesis 3:12, NASB

Adam admitted what he had done, but immediately drew attention to someone else. Marriage provides countless opportunities to do the same thing.

“I know I shouldn’t have yelled, but you kept pushing me.”

“I know what I said was wrong, but you never listen.”

“I know I have been distant, but look at how you have treated me.”

One thing I have repeatedly encouraged husbands and wives to learn is how to make a confession without adding the word “but.”

“I was wrong to speak to you that way.”

“I sinned when I responded in anger.”

“I was selfish. Will you forgive me?”

No countercharge. No reminder of what the spouse did first. This does not mean your spouse’s behavior is unimportant. His or her sin may also need to be addressed. But your spouse’s sin never turns your sin into righteousness.

Repentance accepts responsibility before God.

Repentance Takes Us to the Heart

Marriage problems are often described as communication problems. Certainly husbands and wives need to communicate biblically, but poor communication is often the fruit of something deeper. Jesus said:

“For the mouth speaks from that which fills the heart.”
—Matthew 12:34, NASB

Anger, bitterness, selfishness, resentment, and the desire to control another person originate in the heart. That is why merely learning a better communication technique is not enough. A husband may learn to lower his voice while still demanding his own way. A wife may choose more careful words while continuing to harbor bitterness. Outward behavior may improve while the heart remains unchanged.

Scripture takes us deeper.

Why do I become angry when I do not get what I want? Why am I keeping a mental record of past offenses? Why is being proven right so important to me? Why am I more concerned about winning this disagreement than honoring Christ?

In my years as a biblical counselor, I have found that meaningful change often begins when a person stops examining the spouse for a moment and honestly examines his or her own heart before God.

You Do Not Have to Wait for Your Spouse

One of the most common attitudes I have encountered in troubled marriages is some version of this: “I will change when my spouse changes.” The problem is that this makes our obedience to God dependent upon another person’s behavior. Paul wrote:

“So then each one of us will give an account of himself to God.”
—Romans 14:12, NASB

Your spouse will answer to God for his or her choices. You will answer to God for yours.

This does not mean serious sin should be ignored. Nor does it mean that one person’s repentance automatically repairs every problem in a marriage. But you do not have to wait for someone else before you begin obeying God.

You can confess your sin today. You can put away bitterness. You can stop returning hurt for hurt. You can begin speaking differently. You can choose to honor Christ even while your spouse is still struggling.

Your spiritual growth is not held hostage by another person’s unwillingness to change.

From My Counseling Office

Over the years, I have sat with many couples who came into counseling prepared to explain the marriage to me. Often, each person had already built a case. The husband could give examples demonstrating why his wife was the problem. The wife had her own examples proving why her husband was the problem. Sometimes both lists contained legitimate grievances.

But I was not sitting with two people who could change each other. I was sitting with two people who each needed to respond to God. A significant turning point often comes when the question changes from:

“How can I get my spouse to change?”

to:

“How does God want me to respond?”

Now we can talk about personal responsibility. We can talk about the heart. We can talk about confession, forgiveness, putting off sinful behavior, and putting on Christlike behavior. The husband begins examining the husband. The wife begins examining the wife.

When both are willing to do that honestly before God, the direction of a marriage can begin to change.

Repentance Must Produce Fruit

John the Baptist said:

“Therefore produce fruit consistent with repentance.”
—Matthew 3:8, NASB

Repentance should eventually become visible.

If a husband says he has repented of angry speech but continues speaking harshly whenever he is frustrated, something is wrong. If a wife says she has forgiven her husband but continually brings the offense back into every disagreement, something still needs to be addressed. Biblical change involves replacing sinful patterns with righteous ones. Paul wrote:

“Therefore, ridding yourselves of falsehood, speak truth each one of you with his neighbor.”
—Ephesians 4:25, NASB

Anger must give way to self-control and gracious speech. Selfishness must give way to concern for the other person. Bitterness must be replaced with forgiveness. Dishonesty must be replaced with truth.

Genuine repentance eventually looks different. It produces fruit.

Repentance Opens the Door to Forgiveness

A healthy Christian marriage is not one in which neither person sins. No such marriage exists. It is one in which sin is increasingly dealt with according to Scripture. Paul tells believers:

“Be kind to one another, compassionate, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”
—Ephesians 4:32, NASB

Those last words are essential: “just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Neither husband nor wife stands before God as the righteous person who has never needed mercy. We are sinners who have received grace.

I have often reminded couples that remembering how much we have been forgiven changes the way we respond to the failures of another person. It does not make sin unimportant. It makes grace precious.

Featured Resource

Marriage conflicts can easily become battles between husband and wife. We focus on what the other person said, what the other person did, and what the other person needs to change. But lasting biblical change requires us to look beyond the immediate conflict and examine what is taking place in the heart.

In The Wrong Battlefield, I explain why many of the struggles we face cannot be understood or overcome simply by focusing on circumstances or other people. Scripture directs us to a deeper battle, one that must be understood and addressed biblically.

If the conflicts in your marriage seem to keep repeating themselves, The Wrong Battlefield can help you think more carefully about where the real battle is being fought.

Learn more about The Wrong Battlefield.

There Is Hope for a Marriage Willing to Change

After years of conflict, some husbands and wives begin to believe that nothing can change. There have been too many arguments, disappointments, hurtful words, and promises followed by the same behavior.

You cannot rewrite yesterday. You cannot retrieve words that have already been spoken. You cannot erase every hurt, and you cannot force your spouse to change. But you can respond to God today.

You can humble yourself before Him. You can confess your sin without defending it. You can ask forgiveness without demanding something in return. You can begin replacing sinful habits with biblical ones.

After many years of working with husbands and wives, I remain convinced that one of the most hopeful moments in marriage counseling is not when someone finally succeeds in changing a spouse. It is when a husband or wife sincerely says: “I need to change.”

The most important question may not be, “What is wrong with my marriage?” It may be: “Lord, where do I need to repent, and how do You want me to change?”

Where there is genuine repentance, there is the possibility of genuine change. And where God is changing hearts, there is always reason for hope.