Why Forgiveness Remains Essential in Marriage
David M. Tyler, PhD.
Featured Excerpt
Marriage places two imperfect people in close relationship for many years. Because sin remains present, offenses will occur. Jesus teaches that forgiveness is not optional for His followers. It is a necessary expression of humility, obedience, and love that protects marriage from the destructive effects of bitterness and resentment.
Marriage Inevitably Involves Offenses
Many couples enter marriage expecting difficulties, but they are often surprised by how frequently they must deal with disappointment, misunderstanding, and hurt. Words are spoken carelessly. Promises are forgotten. Selfishness emerges. Weaknesses become visible.
Because offenses occur repeatedly, every marriage must answer an important question: What will we do when we are sinned against? The answer to that question often shapes the long-term health of the relationship.
Jesus addressed this reality in Luke 17:3-4 (NASB):
“Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him.”
These words reveal that forgiveness is not reserved for rare occasions. It is intended to become a regular practice among God’s people.
Forgiveness Does Not Ignore Sin
Some people mistakenly assume that forgiveness requires pretending an offense never occurred. Jesus taught otherwise. Notice that He first instructed believers to address the offense. “If your brother sins, rebuke him.”
Biblical forgiveness does not deny wrongdoing. It does not call evil good. It does not require ignoring serious problems. Love speaks truth. Sin should be addressed honestly and biblically. Yet the goal is never retaliation or punishment. The goal is restoration.
When repentance occurs, believers are commanded to forgive.
Repentance Matters
Jesus did not merely command forgiveness. He also addressed the responsibility of the person who has sinned. Notice the pattern in Luke 17:3-4:
“If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him.”
Biblical forgiveness does not eliminate the need for repentance. Genuine repentance involves acknowledging wrongdoing, turning from sin, and seeking reconciliation.
Within marriage, both husband and wife will eventually need to say:
“I was wrong.”
“Please forgive me.”
“I need to change.”
These words are often difficult because pride resists confession. We prefer to explain our actions, minimize our failures, or shift blame to someone else. Yet lasting peace rarely develops where repentance is absent.
A marriage cannot thrive if one spouse continually demands forgiveness while refusing to acknowledge sin. Nor can it flourish when offenses are repeatedly ignored rather than addressed.
Jesus teaches that both responsibilities are necessary. The person who sins must be willing to repent. The person who is sinned against must be willing to forgive.
When repentance and forgiveness work together, relationships are strengthened, fellowship is restored, and God’s grace is displayed within the marriage.
Forgiveness Is Often Repeated
Jesus described a situation that many people would consider unreasonable. A person sins seven times in a single day and repeatedly returns seeking forgiveness.
Humanly speaking, resentment often grows long before the seventh offense. We begin to question motives. We become skeptical. We may feel justified in withholding forgiveness. Yet Jesus directs His followers toward a different response. The issue is not whether forgiveness feels deserved. The issue is whether God commands it.
Marriage frequently provides opportunities to practice this kind of forgiveness. The same weaknesses often appear repeatedly. Similar conflicts may arise again and again. Because of this, forgiveness is rarely a one-time decision. It is often a repeated choice to release bitterness and entrust justice to God.
Forgiveness Requires Humility
The disciples immediately recognized the difficulty of Christ’s teaching. Luke 17:5 records their response: “The apostles said to the Lord, ‘Increase our faith!'”
They understood that forgiveness is not merely a matter of technique. It requires dependence upon God.
Pride prefers to keep records of wrongs.
Pride seeks personal vindication.
Pride often demands repayment.
Humility remembers how much forgiveness we ourselves have received.
When believers recognize God’s mercy toward them, they become better prepared to extend mercy toward others.
Forgiveness Is an Act of Obedience
Jesus continued by teaching about servants who simply fulfill their responsibilities. The point is significant.
Forgiveness is not presented as an extraordinary spiritual achievement deserving recognition. It is part of ordinary Christian obedience. Luke 17:10 (NASB) concludes:
“So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, ‘We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.'”
Believers do not forgive because they are naturally forgiving people. They forgive because Christ commands it.
Obedience remains the standard, even when forgiveness is difficult.
Forgiveness Protects Marriage
Unforgiveness rarely remains isolated. Bitterness grows. Resentment accumulates. Distance develops. Small offenses become larger than they truly are because they are viewed through the lens of unresolved hurt.
Forgiveness interupts this process. It removes barriers that hinder fellowship. It promotes peace. It encourages restoration. Most importantly, it reflects the mercy believers have received through Jesus Christ.
Healthy marriages are not characterized by the absence of offenses. They are characterized by a willingness to deal with offenses biblically.
Conclusion
Every marriage faces moments when forgiveness feels costly. Yet Jesus teaches that forgiveness is not optional for His followers. It is a necessary expression of obedience, humility, faith, and love.
Because offenses will continue to occur, forgiveness must continue as well.
As believers remember God’s mercy toward them, they are better equipped to extend that same mercy within marriage.
Forgiveness does not minimize sin. It magnifies the grace of God.
Continue Reading: Growing in Grace and Peace
Many of the challenges couples face in marriage are rooted in how they respond to offenses, weaknesses, and ongoing disappointments. The following articles explore how humility, faithfulness, and biblical hope help strengthen relationships over time.
- Why Humility Is Essential for Peace in Marriage
→ Discover why a teachable and humble heart creates the foundation for lasting peace. - Why Defensiveness Prevents Change in Marriage
→ Learn how self-protection often hinders growth, reconciliation, and restoration. - Faithfulness in Marriage Is Measured Over Time, Not Moments
→ See how long-term faithfulness strengthens a marriage through seasons of difficulty and slow growth. - When Nothing Seems to Change: How to Stay Faithful Without Losing Hope
→ Find encouragement when progress feels slow and discouragement begins to grow. - Peace in Marriage Requires More Than Solving Problems
→ Understand why lasting peace is rooted in heart change rather than merely resolving conflicts.
Written by : David M. Tyler, Ph. D.
David M. Tyler has a Doctor of Philosophy Degree in Biblical Counseling. He is the Director of Gateway Biblical Counseling and Training Center in Fairview Heights, Illinois; the Dean of the Biblical Counseling Department for Master’s International University of Divinity in Evansville, Indiana. Dr. Tyler is certified by the International Association of Biblical Counselors and Association of Certified Biblical Counselors. He lectures and leads workshops on Biblical counseling.
