The Freedom of Asking Forgiveness

David M. Tyler, PhD. 

One of the most difficult sentences for many people to say is also one of the simplest: “I was wrong. Will you forgive me?”

Over nearly three decades of pastoral ministry and many years of biblical counseling, I have watched husbands and wives struggle to say those words. I have seen parents recognize that they sinned against their children but hesitate to admit it. I have counseled believers who knew they were wrong, yet continued defending themselves rather than humbling themselves.

Why is asking forgiveness so difficult?

Often, the problem is not that we do not know what we did. The problem is that admitting our sin requires humility. We want to explain ourselves. We want the other person to understand what they did first. We want our wrongdoing placed in its proper context.

But there is tremendous freedom in acknowledging our sin before God and the person we have sinned against.

That is the freedom of asking forgiveness.

Confession Is More Than Saying, “I’m Sorry”

Our culture often reduces confession to an apology.

“I’m sorry you were hurt.”

“I’m sorry things got out of hand.”

“I’m sorry, but you made me angry.”

Those statements may sound conciliatory, but they can avoid the real issue. Biblical confession is more specific. John writes:

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous, so that He will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”
—1 John 1:9 NASB

To confess means that I agree with God about my sin. I stop renaming it, minimizing it, or blaming someone else for it.

If I spoke harshly to my wife, the issue is not merely that I “could have handled the conversation better.” I sinned with my words. If I deceived someone, it was not simply a misunderstanding. I was dishonest.

There is freedom in calling sin what God calls it. As long as I am defending myself, I have something to protect. When I confess my sin, I can stop maintaining the defense.

Pride Makes Forgiveness Difficult

Proverbs 28:13 says:

“One who conceals his wrongdoings will not prosper, but one who confesses and abandons them will find compassion.”
—Proverbs 28:13 NASB

We conceal sin in many ways. Sometimes we deny it. Sometimes we minimize it. Sometimes we explain it. And sometimes we compare ourselves with the other person: What I did wasn’t nearly as bad as what you did.

Marriage provides countless opportunities for this kind of thinking.

A husband speaks harshly to his wife. She responds angrily. He then focuses on her response rather than his words. A wife speaks disrespectfully to her husband, but when confronted, she immediately explains what he did to provoke her.

Soon the conversation becomes a courtroom. Each person presents evidence for why the other person is more responsible. Jesus warned about seeing the speck in another person’s eye while ignoring the log in our own (Matthew 7:3–5).

Biblical change begins when I stop concentrating on your speck and begin dealing with my log.

Asking Forgiveness Requires Humility

There is an important difference between saying, “I’m sorry,” and saying, “I sinned against you. Will you forgive me?”

The second statement acknowledges responsibility. It identifies the wrongdoing as sin and asks for forgiveness rather than merely expressing regret. James writes:

“God is opposed to the proud, but gives grace to the humble.”
—James 4:6 NASB

When I have sinned, humility allows me to say, I was wrong.

One thing I frequently encourage people to avoid is attaching the word “but” to a confession.

“I was wrong, but you shouldn’t have said that.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled, but you know how frustrated I’ve been.”

Everything before but is weakened by what follows it.

The other person may have sinned too, and that may need to be addressed. But confession is not the time to build a case against someone else. Deal honestly with your own sin first.

The Freedom of No Longer Defending Yourself

One of the burdens of pride is the constant need to protect ourselves, our reputation, motives, and version of what happened. The gospel frees us from having to prove that we are better than we really are. Peter writes:

“And He Himself brought our sins in His body up on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live for righteousness; by His wounds you were healed.”
—1 Peter 2:24 NASB

The cross tells the truth about our sin. Our sin is so serious that Christ had to bear its penalty. But the cross also tells us that our hope is not found in defending our own righteousness. Our hope is Jesus Christ.

Because Christ has dealt with our guilt, Christians can admit when they are wrong. We can confess sin and ask forgiveness without trying to preserve an image of ourselves that was never true in the first place.

One Pattern I Have Seen Repeatedly

In my years as a biblical counselor, I have seen conflicts continue far longer than necessary because someone simply would not take responsibility for his or her own sin.

Sometimes the original offense was relatively small, but pride enlarged it. One person defended himself. The other became defensive. Old offenses entered the conversation. Motives were questioned. Before long, the disagreement was no longer about what originally happened.

I have also watched the direction of a conversation change when one person finally says: “What I did was wrong. I sinned against you. I have no excuse for it. Will you forgive me?”

Those words are not a psychological communication technique. They are the fruit of humility and repentance. When someone stops fighting to establish his own righteousness and begins dealing honestly with his own sin, the conflict no longer has the same fuel.

Parents Need to Ask Forgiveness Too

Parents sin against their children. A father may discipline in anger. A mother may speak harshly. A parent may make an accusation without knowing all the facts.

Some parents fear that admitting wrongdoing will weaken their authority. Over the years, I have observed the opposite. Children usually know when their parents have behaved wrongly.

A father who says, “I spoke to you in anger. That was wrong. I sinned against God, and I sinned against you. Will you forgive me?” has not surrendered his authority. He has demonstrated biblical humility.

Our children need more than parents who tell them to confess their sins. They need parents who show them how.

Forgiveness Does Not Remove Every Consequence

Asking forgiveness does not mean every consequence immediately disappears. Trust may need to be rebuilt. Damage may need to be repaired. Sinful patterns may require significant change.

A person who has repeatedly lied cannot demand immediate trust simply because he finally confessed. A husband or wife who has repeatedly broken promises may need to demonstrate faithfulness over time.

John the Baptist called people to “bear fruits in keeping with repentance” (Luke 3:8 NASB). Biblical repentance does not end with words. It produces a changed direction.

There Is Freedom in Humility

Pride tells us that admitting wrongdoing will diminish us. Scripture teaches something different. God gives grace to the humble.

The person who refuses to confess must continue defending himself, explaining his actions, and focusing attention on the failures of others.

The humble person can put all of that down. He can simply say:

“I was wrong.”

“What I did was sin.”

“Will you forgive me?”

There is freedom in those words, not because asking forgiveness makes us righteous, but because we no longer have to pretend that we are.

Our righteousness is found in Jesus Christ. So when you sin against your husband, wife, child, friend, or another believer, do not hide behind explanations. Do not wait for the other person to confess first. Go. Confess your sin. Ask forgiveness.

And experience the freedom of no longer defending what God is calling you to forsake.

Featured Book: The Wrong Battlefield

Many conflicts continue because we become preoccupied with what the other person has done rather than dealing honestly with our own responses before God.

In The Wrong Battlefield, I address this tendency to focus our attention on changing other people while overlooking the battle taking place within our own hearts. Scripture directs us to examine our own thoughts, desires, attitudes, and responses before God.

If you repeatedly find yourself focused on what someone else needs to change, The Wrong Battlefield will help you identify where the real battle is being fought and pursue change from a biblical perspective.