When Expectations Replace Biblical Love

David M. Tyler, PhD.

Over the years, I have counseled many husbands and wives who entered marriage with expectations they did not even realize they had. They expected their spouse to understand them. They expected appreciation for what they did. They expected affection to be expressed in a certain way. They expected their spouse to change certain habits, respond differently during disagreements, or recognize their needs without being told. Some expectations may seem perfectly reasonable.

The problem begins when expectations quietly become requirements. A husband may begin thinking, If my wife really loved me, she would treat me differently. A wife may think, If my husband cared about me, he would know what I need.

Before long, love becomes conditional. Kindness is given when expectations are met. Affection is withdrawn when they are not. Resentment grows because the other person has failed to live up to an unwritten standard. That is when expectations begin replacing biblical love.

Biblical love does not begin with what another person should give me. It begins with what God calls me to give.

The Hidden Power of Expectations

Expectations are powerful because they often remain unspoken. We carry assumptions about what marriage should look like, how our spouse should behave, how our children should respond, how friends should treat us, and even how other Christians should relate to us.

When those expectations are met, relationships seem good. When they are not, disappointment follows.

But disappointment can quickly become something more serious. We begin judging motives. We become irritated. We withdraw. We keep score. Eventually we may convince ourselves that our sinful response is justified because of what someone else failed to do.

James exposes what is happening beneath many conflicts:

“What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is the source not your pleasures that wage war in your body’s parts?”
— James 4:1, NASB

James directs our attention away from the other person and toward our own hearts. Conflict is not simply caused by someone failing to meet our expectations. Conflict often reveals what we have come to demand.

A desire may be legitimate. Wanting affection, respect, companionship, help, or appreciation is not necessarily wrong. But even a good desire can become sinful when I decide that another person must satisfy it before I will respond with love.

Love Is Not a Transaction

Much of what our culture calls love is actually an exchange. I will love you if you love me. I will treat you well if you treat me well. I will meet your needs if you meet mine.

That may sound fair, but it is not the pattern of love Scripture gives us.

Paul writes:

“Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant. It does not act disgracefully, it does not seek its own benefit; it is not provoked, does not keep an account of a wrong suffered.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:4–5, NASB

Notice how much of biblical love concerns our response when another person does not give us what we want. Love is patient because people disappoint us. Love is kind because others do not always treat us kindly. Love does not seek its own because our natural tendency is to make relationships revolve around ourselves. Love does not keep an account of wrongs because sinners living with sinners will inevitably hurt one another.

Biblical love cannot be reduced to having pleasant feelings toward someone who is meeting our expectations. It is a commitment to obey God in the way we respond to another person.

Expectations Can Become Demands

One of the most important distinctions I try to help people understand in counseling is the difference between a desire and a demand. You may desire your spouse’s affection. You may desire respect. You may desire more conversation, more help around the house, greater financial responsibility, or more time together.

Those desires can be discussed honestly and graciously. But something changes when the heart says, I must have this. The desire has become a demand.

How can you tell? Look at your response when you do not get what you want.

Do you become angry?

Do you punish the other person with silence?

Do you rehearse the offense repeatedly?

Do you become cold or sarcastic?

Do you withdraw affection?

Do you decide you are justified in treating the person poorly?

Our reactions often reveal what our hearts have turned into requirements.

Jesus said:

“For the mouth speaks from that which fills the heart.”
— Matthew 12:34, NASB

Our words and reactions are not disconnected from the heart. They expose it.

Marriage Is Especially Vulnerable

Marriage is one of the easiest places for expectations to become demands because husbands and wives live so closely together. We know one another’s weaknesses. We know what irritates us. We know what we wish would change.

Over time, it is easy to construct an imaginary version of our spouse, the person we think he or she ought to be. Then we compare the real person with the imaginary one. That comparison breeds dissatisfaction. A husband stops seeing the ways his wife serves him because he is focused on what she does not do. A wife stops appreciating her husband’s faithfulness because she is concentrating on the ways he disappoints her.

The marriage slowly becomes organized around deficiencies. Instead of asking, How can I love my spouse today? each begins asking, Why isn’t my spouse giving me what I need? That is a dangerous shift.

Christ Gives Us a Different Pattern

The biblical model for love is not found by looking inward at our needs. It is found by looking to Christ.

Paul tells husbands:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”
— Ephesians 5:25, NASB

Christ’s love was sacrificial. He did not love His people because they had first made themselves worthy of His love.

Romans 5:8 says:

“But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
— Romans 5:8, NASB

That changes the question we bring into our relationships. Instead of asking, Is this person giving me what I deserve? we begin asking, How does God want me to love this person? 

That does not mean ignoring sin. Biblical love sometimes confronts, corrects, and establishes appropriate boundaries. Love does not require pretending that destructive behavior is acceptable. But even confrontation must be governed by obedience to Christ rather than retaliation for disappointed expectations.

From My Counseling Office

I have often observed that couples arrive for counseling convinced that the primary problem is the other person. The husband can explain what his wife needs to change. The wife can provide an equally detailed explanation of what her husband needs to change.

Sometimes both descriptions contain legitimate concerns. But if counseling never moves beyond identifying the other person’s failures, very little changes.

One of the most important moments comes when a person begins asking a different question: What does God require of me regardless of what my spouse does? 

That question changes the direction of counseling. The husband begins examining his anger rather than merely explaining his wife’s behavior. The wife begins examining bitterness rather than rehearsing her husband’s failures.

Neither person is excusing the other’s sin. Instead, each begins accepting responsibility before God for his or her own heart and actions. That is where genuine change begins.

We cannot control another person’s obedience. We are responsible for our own.

Stop Keeping Score

Expectations frequently create scorekeeping. I did this for you. You never do that for me. I apologized last time. I am always the one who tries.

Once relationships become a ledger of contributions and disappointments, love is replaced by accounting. Scripture gives us a different standard:

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.”
— Philippians 2:3–4, NASB

That runs directly against our natural instincts. We want fairness. We want recognition. We want our efforts reciprocated. But Christian love is not primarily concerned with keeping the relationship balanced. It is concerned with honoring Christ.

Sometimes you will give more than you receive.

Sometimes you will apologize when the other person does not.

Sometimes you will show kindness when kindness is not returned.

Sometimes you will forgive someone who does not fully understand how deeply he or she hurt you.

That is not weakness.

It is one of the ways Christ changes us.

Replace Expectations With Biblical Responsibility

The answer is not to enter relationships with no hopes or desires. It is reasonable for a husband and wife to discuss responsibilities, make plans, express concerns, and tell one another what would be helpful.

The issue is what happens in the heart when those desires are not fulfilled. Instead of asking, What should this person be doing for me? ask: What has God commanded me to do? Instead of thinking, My spouse needs to change before our marriage can improve, ask: Where does God want me to change? Instead of saying, I cannot love someone who treats me this way, remember that biblical love is rooted in your relationship with Christ, not in another person’s performance.

This is why Christian relationships cannot be understood merely through communication techniques or psychological theories about having our emotional needs met.

The deepest issue is always the heart before God.

The Battle Beneath the Expectations

There is also a spiritual dimension to this struggle. Satan has always worked through deception. He wants us looking in the wrong direction. He wants the husband convinced that his anger exists because of his wife. He wants the wife convinced that her bitterness exists because of her husband. He wants us preoccupied with changing other people while ignoring what is happening within our own hearts.

Scripture redirects us. Our battle is not ultimately against the people closest to us.

When we recognize that, we can stop treating our spouse, child, friend, or family member as the enemy and begin addressing the deception, selfish desires, pride, anger, and bitterness that destroy relationships.

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Love Because Christ First Loved Us

Expectations ask, What am I getting from this relationship? Biblical love asks, How can I honor Christ in this relationship? That difference is enormous.

You will never have a spouse, child, friend, church member, or family member who perfectly fulfills your expectations. And you will never perfectly fulfill theirs. We are sinners living among sinners. That is precisely why we need a kind of love that is greater than human reciprocity.

John writes:

“We love, because He first loved us.”
— 1 John 4:19, NASB

That is the foundation.

Our ability to love does not ultimately come from another person’s response to us. It comes from understanding how profoundly we have been loved by Christ.

When expectations become demands, relationships become battlegrounds. But when we begin surrendering those demands and accepting our biblical responsibility to love, forgive, serve, speak truth, and pursue peace, something changes. We stop asking other people to become the source of what only Christ can provide. And we become free to love them, not because they have fulfilled all our expectations, but because Christ first loved us.